not another fat-loss blog, puh-leez!

I thought it would be fun to post in here my escapades in the kitchen, mostly to keep my other primary blog food-free. (Why? I'm not really sure... Perhaps secretly I just wanted another venting space a little less public, since really I'm annonymous here. I think.) At any rate, after a bit of pondering, I've decided on another path. Yes: fat loss. Ironically, the template I've already established will do just fine for now. Because I will, no doubt, discuss food, cooking, baking and my utter lack of will power and motivation. I've decided as well that I am going to keep as much as possible the self-loathing crap that sneaks up on me on occasion to the barest minimum. Mostly I don't feel too bad about my body; maybe I should, maybe not. My main reason for this is not a belated New Year's resolution, or a work place fad I'm trying to tag along with. It isn't because my husband thinks I'm fat (he has said he doesn't, but blames my poor eating habits and lack of excersize - thereby unhappiness on this point - his fault.) No, usually I realize I've gotten a bit out of control when I see a (really bad) pic of myself like the one above [I'm the one on the right, haha], or sometimes at a family gathering. I tend to feel pretty good about myself on average; I'm tall (about 5'9"), I have a great smile, and I'm pretty funny (I crack myself up all the time!) Plus I'm a pretty good cook, though still learning. I used to be able to jog about a mile at a stretch. That may not sound like much, and I was by no means "athletic" ever. But I was more active. I've always had a weird relationship with food. I trace the beginnings of this last phase to when I went away to college. I began to develope not-so-great habits. Instead of actively working off my stess, I started smoking regularly. I lived off of ramen noodles in the evenings, after dinner, and around midnight before they locked the acedemic buildings I would make a run over from the dorm to grab snickers, doritoes and sodas out of the vending machines. I mean, I didn't load up my backpack, but a bag of chips, a candy bar and a pop at 1 a.m. (almost every day) isn't helping anyone. My goal here is to be as honest as I can. Mostly with myself, since you don't know me anyway. I need to break some bad habits (bad for me; I'm not here to judge anyone), and make some new ones. I'm noticing now how stiff my back can be in the mornings (ok, partly because we have a crappy old bed), how utterly inflexible I am, how difficult it can be to breathe sometimes, and how depressing it is to wheeze my way up some stairs (just to name a few "issues"). That about covers it for tonight.

I intended to start this blog for a laugh. Sometimes, when the stars align just right, the magic flows, and I have a way with words. I crack people up all the time with my stories. Somehow, it doesn't happen here. Maybe because I know that anyone reading this is no one I know. So I feel safe to put another side of myself out there. In my other blogs on myspace, I rant and rave and tend to show some of my color; I have a few friends I know read those, so it's a way for me to have a conversation with them, at the same time really brassing off to the world. Sort of. Here I feel so mellow. Here I feel quiet, like I don't even have an audience. My thoughts turn contemplative before I even start to post. Man, I've had a few good kitchen stories. But suddenly it isn't much of a novelty. I'm in a bit of a midlife crisis, so to speak. Although, I'm no where near "midlife". Truth be told, I think we're all at an endlife, all the time. If you live in the moment, where there is no future, how can where you are be the middle? See? I can't help it! So, I am hating my job (a common theme in any of my blogs). I like the responsibility and trust I have with my coworkers, but I don't like it at the same time. It's like, that's what I want, that sort of camaraderie, friendship...but on a more intimate level. I think owning a business with friends, or something to that effect. I hate working for corporate america. I hate going to a place, spending most of my time there, or spending my time preparing to go back, thinking about the damn place, that I do not care about. I don't care if the company goes under. I only care about the customers because I try to be compassionate, indeed, I am compassionate, usually to a fault. I am too nice. But I do love to cook. I love taking pictures. I love to write, when I actually can. How can I turn these things into a career I love? It doesn't matter to me if I am not making much money to begin with; I'm so f-ing broke now it wouldn't make much difference. And if it was something I loved to do, I would try harder. But on another hand, I am so scared of change, of putting myself out there without the net, you know? But I don't want to look back at my life and think, Oh, it wouldn't have been so bad to try. Shoulda, coulda, woulda... My big thing has been photography. Don't know a lot about it, but I do take decent pictures, if I say so myself. I went to MIAD for a few semesters just out of high school and studied painting. I didn't graduate, didn't go back. Instead I got married and joined the unwashed masses. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and generally love being married to him (lol). I always thought I would go back to school. But now I think if I do, it will be for photography. But...I do love to cook. Could I go to culinary school instead? A friend and coworker suggested I should, and I think she may be right. It would be creative, which is a bonus, and I could do it. I have visions of a bakery filled with awesome breads and pastries and cakes....Oh! That just gave me an idea! Ooh! Two ideas! Hmm... Most people, including my husband, would flinch at bakers hours, but I do find myself more and more a morning person. When I worked midnights, 3 a.m. was my favorite hour. Just as the birds started chirping, the world was waking up, but everyone was still asleep. It is the most peaceful time of day for me. (Tho, by no means do I set my alarm for that hour!). I do enjoy making bread. I love that smell..... I'm not so brilliant with cakes, but because I have never really tried. I have a lot of creative interests that might make that a good "career" move for me. I love art, sculpture, working with my hands... plus, I love food (seriously, who doesn't???), chocolate (although, macrobiotics tends to frown on it, and I really haven't had much lately), and I love making food for other people, I love that face people make when they eat something that is just bliss (and I made it)... Well, thanks for listening. Oh, and I am planning a batch of pumpkin muffins soon. They sort of commemorate the changing of the season, although I tend to make them all fall/winter long. At least till new year. Everything sort of drops off into sucky-winter-dead zone after that. But, I'll get some pics of the spicy goodness when I make them. Mmm. I'm warm and fuzzy all over just thinking about them!

I'm a bit rusty, sue me

I've been on vacation for nine days and tomorrow is the moment of truth. The First Day back. ugh. I am noticing I haven't much to drop here lately either. Hmmm... have to work on that. Should be a bit easier since no one I actually know reads this blog. Well, later. Bed time

Rambling

Getting my feet wet with this macro stuff again. When I tried the first time, almost a year ago, I flopped. I thought, Yeah, I'll go whole hog! I'll just change everything and stick with it! HA! So I re-read the only macro book I own, 'The Hip Chick's Guide", and discovered some more stuff. I've read up on some sites, too, because I know I can't base a major change of lifestyle like this on one book, no matter how much I like it. I started looking into macrobiotics again because I read some really disturbing things about MSG. It's in everything. Literally. And it does such awful things to your body and your mind; it even has possible links to Alzheimer's, which my grandfather suffered from for probably half of his life. My grandmother has been avoiding it, or trying to, and has noticed a considerable difference. So in reading about all this processed crap that has MSG in it, I was lead back to macro lifestyle. I am also a firm believer in energy systems in the body and the world around us and I don't think these things should be taken lightly. I DO believe that a lot of physical ailments are caused by our diets. So it just makes sense that I give this a shot. I have been very tired and spacey feeling for months now. I am sure it is in part due to stress; with the ups and downs of job and income, the death of our beloved cat, car problems. I do not handle stress well, although I do try. If I don't let it out and vent, a lot, it just builds up inside and wears me down. But I also eat a lot of junk food. Hey, it's cheap. I am currently attempting to cut back on how much sugar and caffeine and table salt I use, and at the same time increasing grains and veggies. I hit the local farmers market last weekend and I will go back tomorrow to stock up again. The thought of giving up potatoes and tomatoes completely is hard to get around. Non-credo, right? I just have to see what works for me. For now I am eating a lot of carrots, parsnips, cabbage and corn. (How can I give up my chips and salsa, now that I've mastered the most amazing salsa recipe???) I visited the health food store today and got a few things: miso, shoyu and tempeh. The owner actually remembered me today. That's a start! It's the coolest little store and an amazing gem for my little town. I might even see about a part time job there. Oh! I did try to make a light soup with some left over brown rice and cabbage and some other things I had waiting in the fridge. I dug out the packages of dulse flakes and nori that I had almost forgotten about and threw some of both in the pot for a bit, hoping it would salty it up, because I love salt! It smelled so good simmering on the stove. Mmmm... I spooned up a bowl and sat down to dig in. I thought, this ought to center me a bit for the day. This is good, healthy stuff, way better than creamer with some coffee and sugar and a piece of toast. It smelled like fish water. And there was no flavor. If it was salty, you couldn't tell. Just hot fishy water smell. *ech* I managed two spoons of the stuff and had to make some chicken salad. Every time I tried to eat another spoonful, my hand would literally stop, unable to bring it to my mouth. (haha!) So, I am going to check out some miso and maybe make up some tempeh-nori-rice-rolls-thingies one day. I am not giving it up. Well, I am not completely on the wagon yet. Tonight is poker night, and that means lots and lots of tequila, and we are having ribs tomorrow night, although I'll likely fill up on some good greens first. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get a piece of that fine ass I married, lol!

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

My family has a lot of cool cultural heritage: we're Irish/Scottish on my mom's side, and utter mutts on my dad's side: French Canadian, Blackfoot Indian, German, I think. I can't even remember it all now. Because of this mix, I've noticed our food is pretty much always the same stuff at every gathering. It's the same handful of dishes made by the same people with the same ingredients in exactly the same way for the last millenia. My dad's side of the family tends to go for the yummy-comfort-induced-coma foods. I can dig that. Grammie makes awsome grub; she's one of the reasons I became so passionate about cooking. My mom's side is altogether different. The meat is always a bit dry, unless it's turkey, then it's bone dry. Someone always brings a 7 layer salad (for those of you who don't know, it's got peas and lettuce and lots of mayo-sorry, that side is obsessed with losing weight-they use miricle whip-and a bunch of other stuff I'm not sure what it is b/c I only had it once and vowed never again). Lately my aunt has been on a kick with this apple/veg salad. I think it has raisins, apples and spinach and, you guessed it, miricle whip. *shiver* I have taken it upon myself to bring some life to the party. Enter the Family Reunion The perfect venue to WOW some people with my fabulous culinary achievements. I have an amazing turkey recipe from Alton Brown that I made for the holidays last year. I thought, No one really brings turkey, or chicken (they think it's acceptible to bring KFC instead). Aha! I already had, on hand, all I would need to pull this off, except a turkey. No problem. Well, then my well-meaning husband said, "Eh. How about lasagna?" Mkay. I do make a killer laz, but it can be very pricy. So we're at Save-a-Lot, picking up what we can for as cheap as possile (hey, my laz weighs like 20lbs!) I'm not getting sausage (the secret ingredient to omg laz.), and we're already spending over $20, over half of our grocery budget that day. Mr. "How about laz?" is having a kitten about spending all that $$ on other people! *Sigh* It all goes back on the shelves; the 2 boxes of noodles, the 2lbs of cheese, the canned tomatoes... I pick up instead a can of olives, garbonzos, and 2 boxes of rotini. Fine, I say. I pasta salad. Mmmm. (Note the sarcasm) So here it is: A really tasty pasta salad that nobody but me ate because we got to the reunion an hour late... 2 boxes of rotini 1 HUGE can garbonzo beans 1 can black olives, roughly diced 1 can corn 1 can black beans 1/2 a red onion, finely diced 5-6 mature carrots, lightly boiled till soft, and sliced diagonally 4-5 cloves garlic, smashed and finely diced a palmful of cilantro a palmful of red pepper flakes a bottle of italian dressing Cook it, mix it, eat it. Note, no mayo.